Words of Wisdom

There is no cause so right that one cannot find a fool following it.

— Larry Niven

Life is inherently unfair. The sooner you realise this the happier you will be.

— Stuart Parr

One Ring to rule them all
One Ring to find them
One Ring to bring them all
and in the darkness bind them.

— JRR Tolkien

Your head is as empty as a eunuch’s underpants.

— Edmund Blackadder

It is not our abilities that show what we truly are. It is our choices.

— Albus Dumbledore

Politicians are like underwear: they should be changed often, and for the same reasons.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

— Murphy’s Law

The past tempts us, the present confuses us, and the future frightens us. And our lives slip away, moment by moment, lost in that vast, terrible in-between.

— Emperor Turhan

A society of sheep must beget in time a government of wolves.

— Bertrand de Jouvenel

The secret to flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

— Douglas Adams

One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.

— Plato

How do I know what I think ’til I hear what I say!

Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

— Mark Twain

How did you manage to get so much custard out of such a small cat?

— Edmund Blackadder

This week I are be mostly eating…Prozac!

— Jesse

Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?

— Batman

In god we trust…Others must pay cash.

Keep out of sight and reach of children.

Man is least himself when he talks in his own person, give him a mask and he will tell the truth.

— Oscar Wilde

We who are truly brave will never live in fear.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

— Carl Gustav Jung

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

— Samuel Palmer

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

— Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

— William Jennings Bryan

I have not failed. I’ve just found 10000 ways that won’t work.

— Thomas Edison

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one’s doubts.

— G. B. Burgin

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

— Winston Churchill

A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.

— Mark Twain

If everything seems under control, you’re just not going fast enough.

— Mario Andretti

Woman was God’s second mistake.

— Neitzche

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

— Arthur Conan Doyle

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

— Chessmaster Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower

People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use.

— Soren Kierkegaard

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

— Oscar Wilde

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

— Napoleon Bonaparte

If you are going through hell, keep going.

— Winston Churchill

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

— Oscar Wilde

I’ve had a wonderful time, but this wasn’t it.

— Groucho Marx

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.

— Oscar Wilde

Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.

— Jimi Hendrix

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

— Will Durant

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

— Henry Ford

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

— Aristotle Onassis

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

— Albert Einstein

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.

— Bertrand Russell

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

— John F. Kennedy

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

— Jean-Paul Sartre

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

— General George S. Patton

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.

— Robert Orben

Attention to health is life’s greatest hindrance.

— Plato

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

— Woody Allen

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

— Alan Kay

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

— General George S. Patton

We are not retreating – we are advancing in another direction.

— Douglas MacArthur

Get out of my cave!

I never let my schooling get in the way of my education.

— Mark Twain

If you understand what you’re doing, you’re not learning anything.

Depend on the rabbit’s foot if you will, but remember, it didn’t help the rabbit.

— R.E.Shay

Never let someone who says it cannot be done interrupt the person who is doing it.

War doesn’t prove who’s right, just who’s left.

— Bertrand Russell

A little experience often upsets a lot of theory.

— S. Parkes Cadman

Try not to become a person of success but rather try to become a person of value.

— Albert Einstein

I have gone to find myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

I still function!

There are 10 types of people in this world; those that understand binary and those that don’t.

Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.

— Richard Jeni

Ah, yes, divorce…, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.

— Robin Williams

Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.

— Jesse Jackson

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

— Jack Nicholson

A clear conscience is usually a sign of a poor memory.

Always remember that one effective way to deal with things that want to eat you is to taste terrible.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

— David Crowder

Borrow money from pessimists; they don’t expect it back.

— Steven Wright

Every composer knows the anguish and despair occasioned by forgetting ideas which one had no time to write down.

— Hector Berlioz

Every job is a self-portrait of the person who did it. Autograph your work with excellence.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.

— Leo Burke

If only we’d stop trying to be happy we’d have a pretty good time.

— Edith Wharton

Computers run on smoke, when the smoke comes out, they quit running!

Things are only impossible until they’re not.

— Jean-Luc Picard

We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.

— Jeff Marder

Education…has produced a vast population able to read but unable to distinguish what is worth reading.

— G. M. Trevelyan

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.

— Rita Mae Brown

Screw the rules, play the game.

Between the great things we cannot do and the small things we will not do, the danger is that we shall do nothing.

— Adolph Monod

Idealism increases in direct proportion to one’s distance from the problem.

— John Galsworthy

Music with dinner is an insult both to the cook and the violinist.

— G. K. Chesterton

The point to remember is what the government gives it must first take away.

— John S. Coleman

It is useless to send armies against ideas.

— George Brandes

Three people can keep a secret so long as two of them are dead.

— Benjamin Franklin

Chaos is the score upon which reality is written.

— Henry Miller

You only live once; but if you live it right, once is enough.

— Adam Marshall

Opinion is that exercise of the human will which helps us to make a decision without information.

— John Erskine

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

— Will Rogers

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Always listen to experts. They’ll tell you what can’t be done and why. Then do it.

— Robert Heinlein

Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence.

— Henrik Tikkanen

If you want to bake an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the Universe.

— Carl Sagan

Every man serves a useful purpose: A miser, for example, makes a wonderful ancestor.

— Laurence J. Peter

A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.

— Tennessee Williams

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.

— H. L. Mencken

Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.

— Erma Bombeck

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

— Walt West

If law school is so hard to get through…How come there are so many lawyers!

— Calvin Trillin

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

— Wendell Johnson

If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars.

— J. Paul Getty

The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who haven’t got it.

— George Bernard Shaw

You should always believe what you read in the newspapers, for that makes them more interesting.

— Rose Macauley

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

— Robert Frost

I’m an idealist. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

— Carl Sandburg

Cry, ‘Havoc’ and let slip the dogs of war.

— William Shakespeare

No cheese on the cheeseburger!

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

— Robert Orben

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

— Mark Twain

I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation.

— George Bernard Shaw

Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’!

— Jay Leno

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

— Fran Lebowitz

Reality is something you rise above.

— Liza Minnelli

The goal of all inanimate objects is to resist man and ultimately defeat him.

— Russell Baker

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.

— Franklin P. Jones

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

— Henny Youngman

The intermediate stage between socialism and capitalism is alcoholism.

— Norman Brenner

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.

— Albert Einstein

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs!

— Spike Milligan

Quit worrying about your health. It’ll go away.

— Robert Orben

The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate me away from those who are still undecided.

— Casey Stengel

The two most abundant things in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.

— Harlan Ellison

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs.

— Christopher Hampton

Blame someone else and get on with your life.

— Alan Woods

To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.

— Thomas Edison

If I only had a little humility, I’d be perfect.

— Ted Turner

Bleeding bloody Esther bleeding bloody effing bloody Rantzen bloody woman!

The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

I can smell the inside of my nose!

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.

— Darin Weinberg

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

— Mark Russell

The entire economy of the Western world is built on things that cause cancer.

It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers.

— James Thurber

The best defense against the atom bomb is not to be there when it goes off.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

— Oscar Levant

Rock journalism is people who can’t write interviewing people who can’t talk for people who can’t read.

— Frank Zappa

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.

— Clarence Darrow

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

— Oscar Wilde

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

— George Carlin

Ours is the age that is proud of machines that think and suspicious of men who try to.

— H. Mumford Jones

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff!

— Steven Wright

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

— Mel Brooks

When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

— Sacha Guitry

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

— Jimmy Durante

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

— Oscar Wilde

I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance – waiting for the bathroom.

— Bob Hope

What’s another word for thesaurus?

— Steven Wright

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

— Terry Pratchett

I don’t like people who take drugs…Customs men for example.

— Mick Miller

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

— W. C. Fields

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times.

— Mark Twain

It’s not the people who are in prison that worry me. It’s the people who aren’t.

— Arthur Gore

The longest word in the English language is the one that follows the phrase, ‘And now a word from our sponsor’.

— Hal Eaton

It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

— W. C. Fields

History is more or less bunk.

— Henry Ford

If the facts don’t fit the theory, change the facts.

— Albert Einstein

Ah, marketing; the art of selling people crap they don’t want at twice the price they’re willing to pay for it.

We seem to believe it is possible to ward off death by following rules of good grooming.

— Don Delillo

I hate the outdoors. To me the outdoors is where the car is.

— Will Durst

I’ve been…knocked down; it’s a crazy town, even got punched in the face in L.A.

— Anastacia

It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.

— Oscar Wilde

But what is the difference between literature and journalism? …Journalism is unreadable and literature is not read.

— Oscar Wilde

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.

— Garrison Keillor

I am immortal, I have inside me blood of kings. I have no rival, no man can be my equal.

— Queen

Truth is more of a stranger than fiction.

— Mark Twain

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

— Oscar Wilde

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

— Mark Twain

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

— Fred Allen

Do one thing every day that scares you.

— Eleanor Roosevelt

Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

The best way to keep one’s word is not to give it.

— Napoleon Bonaparte

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.

— Michael Pritchard

There’s no point in being grown up if you can’t be childish sometimes.

— Dr. Who

Miserable little turnip.

Nature…is what we are put in this world to rise above.

The only good cat is a stir-fried cat.

— ALF

I’ve told you, I am not a refrigerator.

Throw me a frickin’ bone here, I’m the boss…Need the info.

— Dr. Evil

No one should ever want to talk to the dead.

— Mr. Morden

When policemen break the law, then there isn’t any law…just a fight for survival.

— Billy Jack

When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.

— Eric Hoffer

It’s hard to be nostalgic when you can’t remember anything.

Do not speak to me of rules! This is war! This is not a game of cricket!

— Colonel Saito

Evil does not wear a bonnet!

Innocence is wasted on me, I don’t believe in it.

— Roscoe Lee Browne

I’m not in the habit of throwing kerosene on a fire.

— Wil Andersen

Klaatu, barada, nikto.

Oh god, I’ve been outed by Will Young!

A painting in a museum hears more ridiculous opinions than anything else in the world.

— Edmond de Goncourt

Anyone who says businessmen deal in facts, not fiction, has never read old five-year projections.

— Malcolm Forbes

Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.

I’m a hypocritical Marxist; I’m anti-capitalism, but I don’t mind earning money.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

— Woody Allen

Sleep is just an excuse for lack of caffeine.

— Silvia Lovett

He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.

— Ancient Chinese Proverb

Do not remove a fly from your friend’s forehead with a hatchet.

— Ancient Chinese Proverb

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.

— Ancient Chinese Proverb

To know the road ahead, ask those coming back.

— Ancient Chinese Proverb

Do not protect yourself by a fence, but rather by your friends.

— Czech Proverb

A country can be judged by the quality of its proverbs.

— German Proverb

Charity sees the need not the cause.

— German Proverb

By the way, how much is the fish?

One man that has a mind and knows it can always beat ten men who haven’t and don’t.

— George Bernard Shaw

Acting is merely the art of keeping a large group of people from coughing.

— Ralph Richardson

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.

— Aristotle

Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.

— PJ O’Rourke

Leave it to a girl to take the fun out of sex discrimination.

Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.

— Cyril Connolly

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

— Woody Allen

Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices.

— Laurence J. Peter

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.

— Henry Cate

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.

— Groucho Marx

Wagner’s music is better than it sounds.

— Mark Twain

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.

— A. H. Weiler

Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.

— Mark Twain

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

— George Burns

It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

— John Andrew Holmes

The problem with any unwritten law is that you don’t know where to go to erase it.

Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them.

— Leo Tolstoy

Hindsight is a wonderful thing; it enables you to see your own arse.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.

— Edgar Bergen

Smile and the whole world smiles with you. Laugh and the whole world thinks you’re a raving loony.

No opera plot can be sensible, for people do not sing when they are feeling sensible.

— W. H. Auden

It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.

— Gore Vidal

It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

— Woody Allen

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

This season I are be mostly wearing…nipple clamps!

— Jesse

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer!

— Steven Wright

Do you realize if it weren’t for Edison we’d be watching TV by candlelight!

— Al Boliska

We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams.

Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it.

Charm is getting the answer yes without asking a clear question.

— Albert Camus

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

— William James

He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, still dead.

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.

— Pablo Picasso

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

— Mark Twain

It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation.

— Herman Melville

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.

— Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sanity is a madness put to good use.

— George Santayana

Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier.

The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach their children to speak it.

— George Bernard Shaw

Don’t knock the weather. If it didn’t change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn’t start a conversation.

— Kin Hubbard

Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum.

— Ambrose Bierce

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

— Douglas Adams

I was the product of a mixed marriage; my father was a man and my mother was a woman.

Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons.

— Bertrand Russell

Until you walk a mile in another man’s moccasins you can’t imagine the smell.

— Robert Byrne

America’s one of the finest countries anyone ever stole.

— Bobcat Goldthwaite

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!

— Tom Lehrer

Hot Dog. Jumpin’ Frog. Alberquerque.

That black plague’s a bugger when it gets a hold.

Lace the reindeers’ food with arsenic, tra-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la!

Time is that quality of nature which keeps events from happening all at once. Lately it doesn’t seem to be working.

Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.

It’s no longer a question of staying healthy. It’s a question of finding a sickness you like.

— Jackie Mason

All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

— Laurence J. Peter

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

— Timothy Leary

Don’t worry if you’re a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it.

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

— E.B. White

It is bad luck to be superstitious.

— Andrew W. Mathis

You probably wouldn’t worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do.

— Olin Miller

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

— Groucho Marx

The most merciful thing in the world…is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents.

— H.P. Lovecraft

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee – that will do them in.

The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never worshipped anything but himself.

— Sir Richard Francis Burton

The basis of optimism is sheer terror.

— Oscar Wilde

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

— Lily Tomlin

A little nonsense now and then, is cherished by the wisest men.

— Roald Dahl

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

— Dave Barry

An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought.

— Simon Cameron

There it was, hidden in alphabetical order.

— Rita Holt

People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people have been left out of the pleasure.

— Russell Baker

I don’t give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.

— Mark Twain

Sacrifice? Arse!

— Father Jack Hackett

Is there life before death!

Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.

— Mark Twain

The man who reads nothing at all is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers.

— Thomas Jefferson

Ooooh, hark at him who ate a dictionary for breakfast!

The real problem is not whether machines think but whether men do.

— B.F. Skinner

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch.

— Orson Welles

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.

— Benjamin Disraeli

Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life.

— Robert Byrne

If it wasn’t for false hope, I’d have no hope at all.

Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night.

— Edgar Allan Poe

Quoth the raven, ‘Nevermore.’

— Edgar Allan Poe

Statistics are like bikinis. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

— Aaron Levenstein

Girls are always running through my mind. They don’t dare walk.

— Andy Gibb

There are more fools in the world than there are people.

— Heinrich Heine

If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?

— Laurence J. Peter

You’ll never find your pleasure if you worry about your pain.

You can’t trust anybody if you can’t trust number one.

A signature always reveals a man’s character – and sometimes even his name.

— Evan Esar

I don’t have a bank account, because I don’t know my mother’s maiden name.

— Paula Poundstone

What this country needs is more free speech worth listening to.

— Hansell B. Duckett

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

— Steven Wright

Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious.

— William Feather

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

— Steven Wright

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.

— Steven Wright

I’d like to thank all the little people I’ve stepped on to get where I am today!

Some things have to be believed to be seen.

— Ralph Hodgson

They could have convinced you your own mother was a turnip.

— The Emergency Medical Hologram (USS Voyager)

There is no doubt that the first requirement for a composer is to be dead.

— Arthur Honegger

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

— Sam Levenson

Which evil bastard put the letter ‘s’ in the word ‘lisp’?

Have you ever looked up the word ‘dictionary’ in a dictionary?

I’m a lesbian trapped in a man’s body.

— Eddie Izzard

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.

— Nikita Khrushchev

The reason there are so few female politicians is that it is too much trouble to put makeup on two faces.

— Maureen Murphy

Equal opportunity means everyone will have a fair chance at being incompetent.

— Laurence J. Peter

Use your enemy’s hand to catch a snake.

— Persian Proverb

Don’t hate the player, hate the game.

Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.

— George Burns

Space isn’t remote at all. It’s only an hour’s drive away if your car could go straight upwards.

— Fred Hoyle

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

— Winston Churchill

The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn’t exist.

— Aaron Machado

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

— Doug Larson

You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.

— Al Capone

A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.

— Joey Adams

The murals in restaurants are on par with the food in museums.

— Peter De Vries

Early to rise and early to bed makes a male healthy and wealthy and dead.

— James Thurber

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

A diplomat…is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

— Caskie Stinett

Music makes one feel so romantic – at least it always gets on one’s nerves – which is the same thing nowadays.

— Oscar Wilde

Now I know what a statesman is; he’s a dead politician. We need more statesmen.

— Bob Edwards

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches.

— George Bernard Shaw

Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.

— Tallulah Bankhead

A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to.

— Laurence J. Peter

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away.

— Philip K. Dick

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

— Voltaire

The truth that makes men free is for the most part the truth which men prefer not to hear.

— Herbert Agar

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

— Lily Tomlin

The average person thinks he isn’t.

— Father Larry Lorenzoni

A magician pulls rabbits out of hats. An experimental psychologist pulls habits out of rats.

A happy childhood is poor preparation for human contacts.

— Sidonie Gabrielle Colette

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

— Ed Gardner

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.

— Albert Camus

Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.

— Brendan Gill

Life is a fatal complaint, and an eminently contagious one.

— Oliver Wendell Holmes

It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.

— Douglas Adams

The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.

— Frank Zappa

You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you.

— Eric Hoffer

The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money.

— David Richerby

A cucumber should be well-sliced, dressed with pepper and vinegar, and then thrown out.

— Samuel Johnson

One of the virtues of never sleeping… I have to live my dreams.

Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?.

— Clarence Darrow

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.

— Thomas Edison

If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play at it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.

— Bob Hope

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

— Rita Rudner

Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT’s bad for you!

— Tommy Smothers

I want to find a voracious, small-minded predator and name it after the IRS.

— Robert Baker

I don’t know anything about music. In my line you don’t have to.

— Elvis Presley

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

— Jerry Seinfeld

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

— Mark Twain

I am always doing that which I can not do, in order that I may learn how to do it.

— Pablo Picasso

I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.

— Charles M. Schulz

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

— Paul Fix

If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised.

— Dorothy Parker

It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.

— Harry S Truman

I tend to live in the past because most of my life is there.

— Herb Caen

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

— Horace Walpole

Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie…’ until you can find a rock.

— Will Rogers

Brass bands are all very well in their place – outdoors and several miles away.

— Sir Thomas Beecham

A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students.

— John Anthony Ciardi

You can tell alot about a fellow’s character by his way of eating jellybeans.

— Ronald Reagan

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

— Dorothy Parker

The man who doesn’t read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them.

— Mark Twain

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

— Steven Wright

We are here on Earth to do good to others. What the others are here for, I don’t know.

— W. H. Auden

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves.

— August Strindberg

Isn’t it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists?

— Kelvin Throop III

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a lifestyle that doesn’t require my presence.

— Garry Trudeau

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

— Eric Morcambe

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

— Groucho Marx

No one who cannot rejoice in the discovery of his own mistakes deserves to be called a scholar.

— Donald Foster

The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball.

— Doug Larson

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

— Jay Leno

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

— Groucho Marx

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

— Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

— Groucho Marx

I’d horsewhip you if I had a horse.

— Groucho Marx

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

— Groucho Marx

I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

— Groucho Marx

Rehab is for quitters.

Jesus is coming! Everybody look busy.

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.

— Rita Rudner

The answer is twelve? I think I’m in the wrong building.

— Charles M. Schulz

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.

— Oscar Wilde

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

— Rita Rudner

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn’t mine.

— Rita Rudner

Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.

— Rita Rudner

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

— Fletcher Knebel

The desire to take medicine is perhaps the greatest feature which distinguishes man from animals.

— Sir William Osler

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

— Susan Ertz

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’

— Steven Wright

A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.

In Mexico we have a word for sushi: Bait.

— Jose Simon

An economist is a man who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible.

— Alfred A. Knopf

Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business.

— Tom Robbins

Lack of money is no obstacle. Lack of an idea is an obstacle.

— Ken Hakuta

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.

— Robert Orben

Never raise your hand to your children; it leaves your midsection unprotected.

— Robert Orben

If winning isn’t everything, why do they keep score!

— Vince Lombardi

Never knock on Death’s door: ring the bell and run away! Death really hates that!

— Matt Frewer

Government is too big and too important to be left to the politicians.

— Chester Bowles

Shut yer hairy hole, yeh pimpin’ beelzebub!

For the love of Saint Dolores O’Riordan, would yeh pipe down, yeh moany cow!

Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction.

— Blaise Pascal

If you don’t find it in the index, look very carefully through the entire catalogue.

A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled.

— Barnett Cocks

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

— Dave Barry

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

— W. C. Fields

The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader catch his own breath.

— Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart

If they give you ruled paper, write the other way.

— Juan Ramon Jimenez

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

— Peter Ustinov

Robbie Williams; too many tattoos, wouldn’t have him in the house.

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

— Winston Churchill

If someone wants a sheep, then that means that he exists.

— Antoine de Saint- Exupery

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

— Bertrand Russell

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

— Mark Twain

Ninety percent of everything is crap.

— Theodore Sturgeon

Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.

— Charles M. Schulz

Cockroaches and socialites are the only things that can stay up all night and eat anything.

— Herb Caen

Every nation ridicules other nations, and all are right.

— Arthur Schopenhauer

Bah!

You’re Norman Bates with a briefcase.

— Gail Potter

That’s the Indian definition of copyright; the right to copy.

I once said cynically of a politician, ‘He’ll doublecross that bridge when he comes to it.’.

— Oscar Levant

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day.

— Mickey Rooney

You cannot slander human nature; it is worse than words can paint it.

— Charles Haddon Spurgeon

There ought to be one day– just one– when there is open season on senators.

— Will Rogers

When men are pure, laws are useless; when men are corrupt, laws are broken.

— Benjamin Disraeli

Never judge a book by its movie.

— J. W. Eagan

Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.

— Doug Larson

The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of civilization.

— Ralph Waldo Emerson

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.

— Oscar Levant

History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.

— Abba Eban

Nobody believes the official spokesman… but everybody trusts an unidentified source.

— R. Nessen

It’s the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.

— Tallulah Bankhead

Some day my boat will come in, and with my luck I’ll be at the airport.

Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to lie well.

— Samuel Butler

When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

You cannot simultaneously prevent and prepare for war.

— Albert Einstein

Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.

— Henry Kissinger

Why be a man when you can be a success!

— Bertolt Brecht

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It is the funniest joke in the world.

— George Bernard Shaw

Insanity in individuals is something rare – but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule.

— Friedrich Nietzsche

The scientific name for an animal that doesn’t either run from or fight its enemies is lunch.

— Michael Friedman

Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under.

— Henry Louis Mencken

The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science.

— Albert Einstein

You should make a point of trying every experience once, excepting incest and folk dancing.

— Sir Arnold Bax

Pay no attention to what the critics say… Remember, a statue has never been set up in honour of a critic!

— Jean Sibelius

I’m too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don’t know.

— Garry Shandling

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

— Steven Wright

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

— W. C. Fields

One of the first duties of the physician is to educate the masses not to take medicine.

— William Osler

Geordan Murphy… Pure genius!

Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you’re scared to death.

— Earl Wilson

The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.

— Victor Borge

Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better.

A man can stand anything except a succession of ordinary days.

— Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

— Noelie Altito

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it’s just the opposite.

— John Kenneth Galbraith

The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

— Mark Twain

The reason there is so little crime in Germany is that it’s against the law.

— Alex Levin

Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.

— Gilbert Keith Chesterton

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

— George Carlin

I don’t really trust a sane person.

— Lyle Alzado

It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.

— Harry S Truman

Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.

— Fran Lebowitz

I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.

— Bilbo Baggins

The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

— George Jessel

When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.

— George Bernard Shaw

I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead.

— Samuel Goldwyn

Once the game is over, the King and the pawn go back in the same box.

— Italian Proverb

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

— Blake Clark

Three o’clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

— Jean-Paul Sartre

They say ‘elevator’, we say ‘lift’…they say ‘President’, we say ‘stupid psychopathic git’.

— Alexei Sayle

Professor Sex in the toilet with the lawnmower.

If I was a giraffe, and someone said I was a snake, I’d think, no, actually I’m a giraffe.

— Richard Gere

My loathings are simple: stupidity, oppression, crime, cruelty, soft music.

— Vladimir Nabokov

Don’t worry about people stealing an idea. If it’s original, you will have to ram it down their throats.

— Howard Aiken

When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.

— Gracie Allen

Oppression can only survive through silence.

— Carmen de Monteflores

First things first, but not necessarily in that order.

— Dr. Who

It’s not illegal if it’s hilarious.

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

— Farmers’ Almanac, 1978

‘Red it was,’ said the butcher, in his good-humoured husky treble — ‘and a Durham it was.’.

— George Elliot

I have the heart of a child. I keep it in a jar on my shelf.

— Robert Bloch

Drive-in banks were established so most of the cars today could see their real owners.

— E. Joseph Cossman

The price one pays for pursuing any profession or calling is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side.

— James Baldwin

I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am.

— Joseph Baretti

What can you say about a society that says that God is dead and Elvis is alive?

— Irv Kupcinet

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear.

— Mark Twain

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

— John Benfield

Dealing with network executives is like being nibbled to death by ducks.

— Eric Sevareid

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

— James Thurber

The greatest university of all is a collection of books.

— Thomas Carlyle

You know everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

— Will Rogers

Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents’ shortcomings.

— Laurence J. Peter

Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk.

— Henry David Thoreau

We are inclined to believe those whom we do not know because they have never deceived us.

— Samuel Johnson

There is no reciprocity. Men love women, women love children, children love hamsters.

— Alice Thomas Ellis

Communism doesn’t work because people like to own stuff.

— Frank Zappa

One reason I don’t drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.

— Nancy Astor

If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

— George Carlin

If you believe everything you read, better not read.

— Japanese Proverb

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake – which I also keep handy.

— W. C. Fields

The difference between dreams and accomplishments is purely desire.

OK, either there’s women in the gents or I just pissed in their wash basin.

I have a fantasy where Ted Turner is elected president but refuses because he doesn’t want to give up power.

— Arthur C. Clarke

Censorship, like charity, should begin at home; but, unlike charity, it should end there.

— Clare Booth Luce

When I’m good, I’m very, very good but when I’m bad, I’m better.

— Mae West

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.

— Mae West

There is much pleasure to be gained from useless knowledge.

— Bertrand Russell

I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education.

— Wilson Mizner

Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure.

— Errol Flynn

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal ideas from many is research.

Haven’t you read enough of these already? Go back to work!

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

— Eleanor Roosevelt

I can accept failure. Everyone fails at something. But I can’t accept not trying.

— Michael Jordan

I passionately hate the idea of being with it, I think an artist has always to be out of step with his time.

— Orson Welles

My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they’re in August.

— Ronnie Shakes

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

— Friedrich Nietzsche

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

— Henny Youngman

I don’t even butter my bread. I consider that cooking.

— Katherine Cebrian

There is no such thing as ‘fun for the whole family’.

— Jerry Seinfeld

Your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or or not.

— Fran Lebowitz

To knock a thing down, especially if it is cocked at an arrogant angle, is a deep delight of the blood.

— George Santayana

Illusion is the first of all pleasures.

— Oscar Wilde

From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.

— Winston Churchill

If you haven’t found something strange during the day, it hasn’t been much of a day.

— John A. Wheeler

How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live.

— Henry David Thoreau

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

— Mark Twain

We are here and it is now. Further than that all human knowledge is moonshine.

— Henry Louis Mencken

Someday we’ll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.

— Evan Davis

Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

— Mark Twain

A motion to adjourn is always in order.

— Robert Heinlein

Until you’ve lost your reputation, you never realize what a burden it was.

— Margaret Mitchell

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it’s safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

You only get one chance to make a first impression.

If the outdoors is so great, why aren’t the homeless more fond of it?

Do it today – tomorrow it might be illegal.

No sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.

— Stewie Griffin

I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal. But no pickles! Oh, God help you if I find pickles!

— Stewie Griffin

Whose leg do I have to hump to get a dry martini around here!

— Brian Griffin

Let’s go play ‘swallow the stuff under the sink’.

— Stewie Griffin

I know you’re a feminist and I think that’s adorable, but this is grown-up time and I’m the man.

— Peter Griffin

Everything I say is a lie. Except that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that.

— Peter Griffin

I am so not competitive. In fact, I am the most non-competitive. So I win.

— Peter Griffin

Well, I’d love to stay and chat, but you’re a bitch.

— Stewie Griffin

Only in American banks can you find the pens chained to the counter and the doors wide open.

— Henry Louis Mencken

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.

— Aesop

If you want to pull a party out of your butt, you might want to stand up.

— Brian Griffin

Raja naba doo wah gola wookie nipple pinchie.

— Jabba the Griffin

Oh no. I gotta fart, but I don’t know which way to lean.

— Peter Griffin

Never argue with an idiot. They will bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.

Die Jedi dogs!

— C3-PO

Freedom is the right of all sentient beings.

— Optimus Prime

Never drink more than two pan-galactic gargle-blasters unless you are a thirty ton mega-elephant with bronchial pneumonia.

— Zaphod Beeblebrox

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

— Will Rogers

Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: if it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidise it.

— Ronald Reagan

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavours to live at the expense of everybody else.

— Frederic Bastiat

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.

— Douglas Casey

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.

— Winston Churchill

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of congress. But then I repeat myself.

— Mark Twain

In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane.

— Oscar Wilde

I wouldn’t know Ted, you big bollocks!

— Father Dougal Maguire

What would the following mean to you, Crilley: ‘Jack’, ‘sleepwalking’, and ‘bollock naked’?

— Bishop Brennan

Oh God! He must have seen his reflection! He’s not supposed to see his reflection! He doesn’t know he’s a priest!

— Father Noel Furlong

A man’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another drink.

— W. C. Fields

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.

— W. C. Fields

The Council can go to hell! And the emergency session can go to hell! And you, Vir, you can go to hell too – I would not want you to feel left out.

— Londo Mollari

They are a mystery. And I am both terrified and reassured to know that there are still wonders in the universe… that we have not yet explained everything. Whatever they are, Ms. Sakai, they walk near Sigma 957. They must walk there alone.

— G’Kar

There are things in the universe billions of years older than either of our races. They are vast, timeless. And if they are aware of us at all, it is as little more than ants… and we have as much chance of communicating with them as an ant has with us. We know. We’ve tried. And we’ve learned we can either stay out from underfoot, or be stepped on.

— G’Kar

The avalanche has already started. It is too late for the pebbles to vote.

— Kosh

The dogmas of the quiet past are inadequate to the stormy present. The occasion is piled high with difficulty, and we must rise to the occasion. We cannot escape history. We will be remembered in spite of ourselves. The fiery trial though which we pass will light us down in honor or dishonor to the last generation.

— Abraham Lincoln

Do not try the patience of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.

— Gandalf The Grey

I could warn you of course, but you would not listen. I could kill you, but someone would take your place. So I do the only thing I can – I go.

— Elric

The future isn’t what it used to be.

— G’Kar

It’s better to die in the cause of freedom than to live in comfort as a slave.

I look like I’m wearing a circus tent! Any minute now, a little teeny car with 16 clowns in it is gonna come flying out my butt!

— Zack Allan

The future is all around us, waiting in moments of transition, to be born in moments of revelation. No one knows the shape of that future, or where it will take us. We know only that it is always born… in pain.

— G’Kar

It’s easy to find something worth dying for. Do you have anything worth living for?

— Lorien

For the first four years of your life, I thought you were a house cat…

— Peter Griffin

Dear MacGuyver, enclosed is a rubber band, a paper clip, and a drinking straw. Please save my dog.

— Peter Griffin

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

— Peter Kay

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don’t get on with my real ladder.

— Peter Kay

Sex is like playing bridge: If you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

— Peter Kay

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

— Peter Kay

Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don’t understand, such as working for a living.

— Peter Kay

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

— Peter Kay

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.

— John Adams

If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.

— Mark Twain

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.

— G Gordon Liddy

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

— P.J. O’Rourke

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free!

— P. J. O’Rourke

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you!

— Pericles

The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.

— Ronald Reagan

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

— Mark Twain

Gays don’t vomit. They’re a very clean people. And they have been ever since they came to this country from France.

— Peter Griffin

What do I know about sex? I’m a married man.

— Tom Clancy

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

— Steve Martin

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.

— PJ O’Rourke

There are some words which I have known since I was a schoolboy. “With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censored, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably.” These words were uttered by Judge Aaron Satie — as a wisdom, and warning. The first time any man’s freedom is trodden on, we’re all damaged.

— Jean-Luc Picard

Mate, this parrot wouldn’t VOOM if you put four million volts through it!

— Monty Python

Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.

— Pohl’s Law

You’ll feel much better once you’ve given up hope.

What we do in life echoes in eternity.

Drakes claim to be dragons. Until the dragons show up.

Try to do someone a favour and you end up trapped in a gigantic magical prison. There’s a lesson here.

— Isabela

I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.

— Sir Winston Churchill

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.

— Sir Winston Churchill

If the Almighty were to rebuild the world and asked me for advice, I would have English Channels round every county. And the atmosphere would be such that anything which attempted to fly would be set on fire.

— Sir Winston Churchill

The United States invariably does the right thing, after having exhausted every other alternative.

— Sir Winston Churchill

Great and good are seldom the same man.

— Sir Winston Churchill

Some people regard private enterprise as a predatory tiger to be shot. Others look on it as a cow they can milk. Not enough people see it as a healthy horse, pulling a sturdy wagon.

— Sir Winston Churchill

We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight … in the air, we shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender…

— Sir Winston Churchill

In attack most daring, in defence most cunning, in endurance most steadfast, they performed a feat of arms which will be remembered and recounted as long as the virtues of courage and resolution have the power to move the hearts of men.

— Sir Winston Churchill

The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

— Ezekiel 25:17

Everybody has been thought of by the young pedagogues save the poor fellow who, in the long run, will have to pay the bills. Every sort of misfit and lazybones has been taken care of, but not the man who takes care of himself.

— H. L. Menken

They deem me mad because I will not sell my days for gold; and I deem them mad because they think my days have a price.

— Kahlil Gibran

We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the Light.

— Plato

Some men aren’t looking for anything logical. They can’t be bought, bullied, reasoned, or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn.

— Alfred

A hundred times every day I remind myself that my inner and outer life depend on labours of other men, living and dead, and that I must exert myself in order to give the same measure as I have recieved and am still receiving.

— Albert Einstein

Be humble for you are made of earth, be noble for you are made of stars.

— Serbian proverb

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals.

— Albert Einstein

You have to know how to accept rejection and reject acceptance.

— Ray Bradbury

Life you can evade; death you cannot.

In the end it is not the years in your life that count. It is the life in your years.

— Abraham Lincoln

There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to the truth; not going all the way, and not starting.

— Buddha

Religious apologists complain bitterly that atheists and secularists are aggressive and hostile in their criticism of them. I always say: look, when you guys were in charge, you didn’t argue with us, you just burnt us at the stake. Now what we’re doing is presenting you with some arguments and some challenging questions, and you complain.

— A. C. Gralying

Yea verily, though I charge through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil, for I am driving a house-sized mass of fuck you.

When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know Peace.

— Jimi Hendrix

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of has tried to contact us.

— Bill Watterson

Those who are able to see beyond the shadows and lies of their culture will never be understood, let alone believed, by the masses.

— Plato

The courageous enter dark caves alone. The clever send in the courageous first. The cleverest wait behind the clever.

— The Book of Cataclysm

Bravery will take you into the most dangerous of places. Overwhelming firepower will see you safely through them.

— The Book of Cataclysm

The people stood like corn in the high fields and listened to the Master. As the reaper’s blade scythed them all, the Master fell silent. The lesson would be learned by others.

— The Book of Cataclysm

The world shall turn and the human race shall pass. Everything begins anew. The faith has run its course and it is over.

— The Book of Cataclysm

Poor workers blame their tools. Good workers build better tools. The best workers get their tools to do the work for them.

— The Book of Cataclysm

The non-believers climbed for days to confront the master in the mountains. “Where do you get your so-called faith?” they asked. “You brought it,” the master replied. “You’ve all climbed so high.”

— The Book of Cataclysm

When tact is required, use brute force. When force is required, use greater force. When the greatest force is required, use your head. Surprise is everything.

— The Book of Cataclysm

… you still have hope that this war will end with your honour intact. Stand in the ashes of a trillion dead souls and ask the ghosts if honour matters. The silence is your answer.

— Javik

A wise man can learn more from a foolish question than a fool can learn from a wise answer.

— Bruce Lee

We all live under the same sky, but we don’t all have the same horizon.

— Konrad Adenaur

All governments suffer a recurring problem: Power attracts pathological personalities. It is not that power corrupts but that it is magnetic to the corruptible.

— Frank Herbert

When the government’s boot is on your throat, whether it is a left boot or a right, is of no consequence.

To learn who rules over you, simply find out who are not allowed to criticise.

— Voltaire

When the axe came into the woods, many of the trees said, “At least the handle is one of us.”

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2 Responses to Words of Wisdom

  1. some great quotes here man

    • Cheers! If you have any you’d like me to add, please send them along!

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